You can do anything you want, and you do not have to have a man by your side to do it. You do not have to be in a relationship. Focus on accomplishing your goals, and do not stay in a relationship with a man who does not treat you like the queen of his heart. Take care of yourself, and if you want him to, a man will come who will admire and respect your ability to do that. --- Tammy Keller, my mother and friend

Society is rampant with loveless relationships where women stay with men who disrespect them, treat them poorly, or devalue them. My mother's words resound in my mind and protect me from being trapped such a relationship. From a very young age she taught me I did not have to be in a loveless relationship in which I depended on a man to help me accomplish great things, take care of me, or give me a sense of worth. She encouraged me to tap into my talents and utilize them to propel myself to success. When I was young, my mother was single and responsible for three children, myself included. I often took note of her strength and resiliency as she worked endlessly and provided for us, never accepting the advances of a man just because he had a secured bank account or a seemingly infinite credit line. We struggled sometimes, it is true, but my mother never allowed a man to come into her life and treat her any kind of way in exchange for support for fear that I would one day do the same. She wanted me to be independent, never placing all my hopes and dreams in a man, but instead being able to stand on my own two feet. I saw her do it, and I wanted to be just like her.

My mother supported me in all my endeavors and taught me to be watchful of men who would take advantage of me. She was instrumental in building my self-esteem and teaching me that I did have worth apart from boys. She advised me not to fall into the lure of an attractive man who would not treat me like the queen of his heart. Each and every day she helped me understand that although world can be hard on a woman --- especially an independent woman --- I should not let the harshness of the world drive me into the arms of a man who would disrespect me. She taught me what to look for in relationships and how to negotiate what I wanted. She educated me on red flags that a man could demonstrate in a relationship such as isolating me from friends, trying to control how I spent my time apart from him, verbally criticizing me and tearing me down, and even physically harming me by grabbing or striking me or even throwing things at me. She told me I must never allow a man to treat me like an object because it would hurt my self-esteem and possibly my very existence.

I took heed to my mother’s words and examples. I engulfed myself in various passions throughout high school and college and attained much success and recognition without standing in the background for a man who was in the spotlight. I felt good about myself, and I felt good about what I was doing. I was deliberate about only getting romantically involved with men who would treat me like a person, the kind of person my mother said I am --- a queen. I did not make room for abusive men who would only use me for selfish gain. If any red flags went off at any time in one of my relationships, I would end it before it went any further. All this took place in the midst of mounting success as I pursued a Bachelor of Social Work degree and committed to serving others. Now I am working on my Master of Social Work degree and I feel self-assured, self-reliant, and more than capable of caring for myself with or without a man by my side.

When I take time to reflect on my accomplishments, I often meditate on the wisdom my mother passed to me. Thanks to all she taught me long ago, I am equipped to pursue healthy romantic relationships and not place myself in danger for the sake of security. Additionally, I know I have the ability to achieve great things without being dependent on a man to achieve them. I do not find my value in a relationship, but when I am in a relationship I make sure I am valued. I am currently in a relationship with an incredible and God-fearing man, and I love him with all my heart. I know he loves me as well. One of the reasons I am sure of it is because he follows my mother’s instruction and treats me like the queen of his heart. I have observed no red flag behaviors in him and do not anticipate having any crop up. But, if they do, I believe my mother’s wisdom will remind me he is not my sustenance and I do not have to stay in a relationship in which I am not valued.

Over the years my mother has given me much sound wisdom about life. What I sincerely believe has been most helpful to me is the knowledge she gave me about self-respect and independence. She has played a vital role in shaping my romantic well-being, and I am grateful to her for it. My advice to other women? Follow my mother's advice. :-)