i can look outside my window & see the pale blue sky, void of any clouds to block out the warm sun. the wind is softly swaying the palm tree branches. pushing & pulling at my sheer black curtain. the pictures pinned up on my wall are slowly fluttering from the bottom up as if they are trying to break free. every shadow falling on the walls are shifting & disappearing as the light wavers through the four inch gap between my curtain & the edge of my window. my computer monitor shuffles images, six seconds at a time, all of a boy residing thousands of miles away. my skin, very pale, looks dark & smooth atop my bright white blankets. i close my eyes & focus on my sensory of sound. children in nearby backyards laugh & scream as they play. one of my neighbors is playing "mr. brightside" by the killers. birds are chirping in a variance of tones & volumes. oona is humming to herself in a room around the corner from mine. cartoons are playing on the television & every so often she shakes her belltoy & screeches. for some reason the air smells like cookies, even though i dont think anyone nearby is cooking any. with my head against a book i can smell the combination of paper & ink. i can feel the pressure of my cheek pushing down against my hand. the breeze flows over my back like soft water in the shower. my toes curl around the curved black bars that form the foot of my bed. i taste the remains of a strawberry pastry. i taste my saliva. it is sweet. sweet like you. sweet like your words. his words, is what i mean. that perfect being that is so far away. no one is perfect, in reality, but perfection is along the same lines as beauty. its all in the eye of the beholder. you may be completely perfect to at least one person in the world. that may be what true love is. or maybe its not about being perfect. or perfect for each other. maybe its about truly loving someone despite their imperfections. maybe those are both the case. different scenarios. some people may never live to experience that sort of thing. some people may live long, full lives, but still never feel that. or maybe they just waste their whole lives being tricked into thinking that they did. well, at least for some time.. they really believed they had something special. i had the overwhelming urge to write tonight. i have been thinking. so much. about so many things. & yet.. all the same things. its strange how double sided i can be. not two faced, just.. varying. im a gemini. thats how i am. sometimes i can look at people that ive known for years & suddenly feel like they are strangers. like i have never met them before. it never lasts long.. but none the less it is a strange feeling. its the same with the exact opposite of that as well. i can look at someone ive never met before & feel like we are intimately connected. like theyve told me all their secrets. like weve shared things that most people dont share. maybe its just that feeling of connectivity. i have connections with people that i dont think will ever break. most of my best friends are people i rarely get to see. yet when we are together, there is this.. electricity. it will always be there between certain people. i think sometimes, though, for certain people.. a breaker or landline is hit & that electricity is suddenly gone. many times with no explanation or for no reason at all. the worst is when it only happens on one side. like a dropped call. or when you get hung up on & dont even know it. youre still talking. youre still stuck on whatever it is you were trying to say. then you realize they arent even on the line anymore. you wonder what the last thing they heard you say was. maybe they will never end up hearing those things. maybe its better off that way. if it was disconnected by them deliberately, maybe its best to just not call back.. new subject, new paragraph. sometimes im not good at joining thoughts.. but i know what i want to say. i think.. life is about balance. opposites. good & bad. you need them both or its just not real. you need the bad to make you remember what the good is. or how the good is. the bad makes the good great. it makes it worth while. its what you strive for. the GREAT. i live my life striving to BE great. to help others be great. its amazing when you can make others feel that way. bringing happiness to other peoples lives makes my own life worth while. i love knowing that i can make a difference & that i do. that i do the best i can to do so. i love being one of the best things in a persons life. even if it is only for a short period of time. or even just in spurts. i want to be that to someone forever. i want to be THE best thing in their life. the person that, when they look into my eyes, will see everything. & when they look at everything, will see my eyes. i want to be in love. reciprocated love. its no fun if its only one sided. youre left on the phone talking to yourself. wishing that person were still listening. hello? are you there? i love you.